2009 is almost over

Merry Christmas almost…listening to Pandora…Ella Fitzgerald Christmas station. I love those oldies…makes me feel all warm inside. I can’t believe it’s almost 2010…it’s been 7 months since I graduated and I feel like I’ve grown 4 years older in just this short span of time. I feel like life is racing past me and I’m definitely growing up. Work’s been humbling and it’s been teaching me a lot about responsibility. God continues to help me grow for sure. All these lessons I’ve been learning through my day-to-day events.

I miss my college friends and the closeness of everyone. Being away from friends also shows who your true friends are and who really cares. It’s always a challenge and a fear that many of my friends and I shared once. What would happen to the friendship with time and space. Would we make the extra effort to keep in touch? Anyway.

Pride…something I need less of fo sure I realized that I’m so prideful in some aspects of my life and I definitely know that God’s called my attention to it. Especially with nursing…anything nursing related…I know I should have confidence and be friendly, but sometimes my pride gets in the way of developing genuine relationships with people. The past has taught me a lot about people…but past failures should not hinder me from future potentials…anyway…getting tired and i’m sure I don’t make a lot of sense….

Went to the dentist today and no cavities! yay…totally random, but anyway…merry almost christmas. goodnight

Another day.

Today I was late to work! Gasp. How I woke up was so weird though and praise GOD for letting me wake up. I was dreaming of changing into my pink top and black bottom scrub outfit in my dream…and as I finished getting dressed, I woke up in real life at 6:49 AM! I am supposed to be AT work by that time…so fortunantely, my best roomie, Rhond Bond…gave me a ride to the hospital i was only five minutes late into report and i just avoided all contact as I sheepishly walked in.

Today was a sad day. The first day that I actually cried at work. Not that kind of “get it together, Hannah!” kind of crying, but a quiet weeping inside the locker rooms. Somebody passed away. Initially, when my preceptor asked me if I wanted to help prepare the body, I was excited and thinking to myself, “awesome! another learning experience!” but yooo….it was different this time. the baby looked different. What tipped me over was when I saw personal family photos. As I stood there, I couldn’t stop but think about the future he could have had. The future that his parents will have. How his other family members will be affected by this drastic and unexpected change. I don’t know. Would he and his family have suffered less if he had coded earlier? I don’t know. Maybe it was good that his family had the last few opportunities to be with him while he was hospitalized. I don’t know. Looking at those pictures and comparing the baby in that picture to him as he lay there, lifeless….it was difficult. So I had to just leave the room and I just walked quietly into the locker room and tried to fight back the tears.

So another day has passed.

THIS is why I love nursing

what a day!  PROPS to all the freaking amazing nurses who work on my unit.  they are so intelligent, fast, hard-working, diligent, and just freaking soooooo good at what they do….so much teamwork.  yay PICU!   Today I saw somebody get an emergent procedure called ECMO (Extra-corporal membrane oxygenation) done. I don’t know the details cuz I haven’t looked it up yet…but you should wiki or google or bing it!  anyway!  so much went on during the what seemed really short three hours after my shift ended.  one point, patient’s heart was not doing so well…but everything was handled…  omg…i was so scared at first because that baby was sick and everything was happening so fast.  I saw the mama and grandma; both were streaming out tears.  I think they also started singing a hymn, “jesus loves all the little children, all the children of the world….”   i could see and feel the mama’s pain as she saw her little baby on the hospital bed, just out cold, almost to the point of being life-less.  that bond a mama has with their young…deeeeng.  deep. Life is so freaking precious… gosh…it’s so cliche to say this, but so precious….

so as i walked out the doors, i smile to myself and thank/praise God that He has led me to this profession.  Despite all the personal struggles and hurdles I had to overcome, it was all worth it.  Looking back, I thank those who doubted me about my choice of entering NURSING…and chuckle.   maybe out of spite (hopefully not), but i just laugh because at the end of the day, that’s the only thing that will get you through to the next day.  Can’t take life sooooo seriously and can’t always be crying about life because where would that leave us?  I make mistakes, NOT be hard on myself, learn from them, and have faith in myself that I will not make the same mistakes again

So all you nurses out there reading my blog! Always check urine output! always always! total urine output divided by patient’s weight (kg) divided by total number of hours elapsed in shift = whether or not your patient has had adequate urine output so painful to let patient’s hold all that urine in

shoot yo, soo much room left to grow, so many more opportunities to grasp, and many more memories to make.  life is good.  God is faithful.  let’s not forget that, Hannah Lee.

Humpback Revisted

I went to Humpback with Colleen, Joe, Karin, and Krysten today.  I didn’t get lost, but I almost tripped on the slippery mud.  It was great!

Technologically Ill

I need help working this thanggg….omg…in time, i guess

Will I Get Swine Flu?

Pretty much if you work as a new grad on a pediatric unit!  The other day, as I got onto the elevator to embark on another adventure at the PICU, my boss got on as well.  I said, “Good morning” and suddenly with a distorted/perplexed expression, he asks me if I feel sick.  To my dismay and horror, before thinking before I spoke, I blurted out that I was sick!  In my brain, I was screaming, “NOOOOOO!  Don’t show any signs of weakness, Hannah!”  But thankfully, my boss laughed and told me about a study stating that new grads are the most likely to get sick during their first year because  we were protected all these years from the pesty microrganisms and bugs of the pediatric world.   GREAT!   Hahaha, at least it’ll be another lesson about being thankful about my health. 

Anyway, I haven’t updated in a while because work is work.  Busy and tiring.  But isn’t work always?  Man, being in the working world is eye-opening.  And it forces me to better prioritize my off days.  Another bad thing about these nursing hours is how hard it is to work out.  My first day back was Monday and I woke up to work out at 5 AM and got into work by 6:58.  Gosh…I was almost late again!  And to my dismay, the 5 AM date with the gym was only on that Monday   But yea, I get home around 8/8:30 PM and then it’s dinner, shower, and sleep to do it all over again!  Honestly, the only difficult part is the waking up part because once I’m on the unit, I feed off of the chorus of high-pitched feeding pumps going off, beeping of the machines, booms of the ventilators, and the staff bustling in and out of patients’ rooms.  So thankfully, I am still in love with my new job. 

However, it’s been a battle with myself on some days.  The devil and his lies and deceitfulness.  Whenever I make mistakes, I become really hard on myself; to the point of self-deprecation (uh-oh)….thinking to myself, “you need to move faster!  be quicker!  why can’t you get this simple math problem?  you suck at math.  how are you gonna ever be able to survive and work in the PICU?”  gosh….it’s hard…so I gotta keep praying to Jesus and tell myself that I’ve only been working for 6 weeks and stop comparing myself to other people and their 23r54234 years of experience.

God is good though.  Ephesians 2:10.  This verse will be the driving force behind God’s chosen path for me into nursing.  This verse has always given me strength during my hardest times of life.   The time God’s rhema word just spoke to me during one of my hardest clinical moments as a student as stayed with me until this day.  It’s been a blessing.   That’s how I know God is faithful…so many moments in life that can’t just be attributed to coincidence…but God’s active hand and sovereignty in my own life.  amen…denggg…

So whenever, you doubt yourself or your capabilities to work, do missions, lead bible study, or anything else, trust in God and know that He has your back.  He’s already prepared you!!!  With Noah and his building materials and tools….like the really strong man in the bible with long hair…God made his hair grow really long and made his muscles bulge out.  Amen…Praise God

Eye opener

I am flawed.  I feel naked when I expose myself to people.  My distrust of people stems from the lack of trust and faith I have in myself.   I am a wreck, yet you still love me.  You are perfect, you are all knowing, you are just, you are unconditional, you are faithful.  You are my God.  Thanks, Lord for being my best friend.

There is none like you

Never again HUMPBACK!

So I was feeling adventurous and all independent yesterday and I went to go hiking by myself at humpback before my night shift at the hospital.  omg.  WHAT A MISTAKE!  Pridefully and rapidly, I embarked on my spiritual journey through the serene forest.  So I definitely skipped reading the map so I could know where I was walking.  On top of not reading, I decided to take a different route and so instead of climbing humpback, I started hiking on this random trail. 

So initially, I felt pumped!  I was like, man!  Being one with nature and having time to mediate on my own in the woods is so therapeutic!  I felt like Pocahantos and was humming, “The Colors of the Wind” to myself…But then…my nerves started kicking in as all the trees surrounded me and the rocks were getting bigger and plentiful.  I didn’t know where I was going and I seemed to have been getting farther and farther away from my initial journey point.  One hour into my “hike” I started to panick because I didn’t see any other form of human life.  I was all alone and thoughts flashed into my head.  What if I get raped?  What if I trip and fall, resulting in a sprained ankle (at one point in my adventure…I started jogging.  HAH!)  anyway…so i started coughing a lot and gagging (my natural stress response) and then I was like, “crap, get a hold of yourself, Hannah!  You won’t last if you start violently coughing so much!” 

So eventually, I turned back and started re-tracking my path.  I was getting scared and then relieved because of all the markings I saw on the tree.  As I kept walking and following the blue stripped trees, I finally heard voices in the distance!  OMG!  Humans!  I wasn’t sure if I should have called out to them asking, “DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE PARKING LOT IS?  IS THERE AN OPENING TO THIS MAZE?!”  but, i kept my calm because I knew that if I eventually walked on, I would see the point of which I entered this beautiful mess.  Finally!  I arrived back on the parking lot and I was safe!  And only 2.5 hours to help me realize that life is so precious and life is not to be taken for granted.  Live everyday as it were your last (man, especially if you get lost in Shenandoah National Park) and live your life with Jesus love. 

For all the times that I screamed at my parents,  had jealousy or hatred in my heart towards person/people, had immature quarrels with good friends, and days when I did nothing with my life except eat and sleep on the sofa.  Such a waste and so regretful.   Every day of my life is an adventure and although I was scared to death in those woods, I was thankful that I was able to realize so many things about myself and life in those few hours. 

So next time friends, let’s enjoy the vast forest together!

First weeks of work!

I started a blog earlier, but I don’t know where it went…oh well.

First two days on the unit, I was LATE.  So late that my supervisor had to say something to me.  Then this week which is I think my 2nd or 3rd week (the days seem to jumble all together)…i was late again!  but I called.  The bus was full and so it didn’t pick me up and I called the unit to say I would be late, but the person did not relay this message to my boss.  boo.

i’m still in that period of transitioning and many times, i feel and act like a newbie/student.  I don’t speak up and i’m shy.  Totally not my real personality…but I guess I can’t stomp around like I rule the unit until I have mastered skills. 

On another note about work:  Gosh, these kids are really sick.  I don’t get to take care of the sickest of kids yet because I’m just at the novice stage where they give me non-cardiac/thoracic patients, but some of the kids I have seen for learning purposes…they are so tiny and frail.  I got to feel with my finger the beating heart of a baby. wow. open chest; yikes!

anyway, work is work and fun is fun!  this past sunday, i went to Old Rag with Alice and Oth.  HAHA!  so much fun.  I was glad that I was able to escape the hospital scene to experience the great outdoors.  but dang.  such a hike up that mountain!  and it was only 3.5 miles up!  it felt like 16 miles.  omg….the rock climbing part was especially challenging.  at one point, i was stuck between two rocks and the rock that was right below my foot was so slippery from moisture that it was difficult to get good traction.  so here i am…stuck between a wedge of rocks, trying to pull my body up to safety but unable to because there isn’t a supporting rock that i can push up on.  i felt like mufasa (simba’s dad right?  from the Lion King) and Oth was Scar because he wanted me to challenge myself and overcome on my own so he and Alice just stared at my helpless body as i struggled to push myself up.  FINALLY!  determined and grunting like a man, i pushed up on the slippery rock and pulled myself up onto the next boulder.  such an experience.  hahaha~

other than that moment, i had 7 other moments during the trip where i hit my foot against the rocks on the ground and almost fell to my death.  and at one point, Oth made me laugh so hard about THE OFFICE that i kept rolling down vertically onto rows of rocks until i plopped down on a big one.  so i had to stop before walking back up because i was out of breath already from the elevation and laughing doesn’t improve my respirations either.  HAHAHA~

Fun times at Richmond

I drove to Richmond today to see Kristen and Teresa.  It feels like it had been such a long time since I’ve seen these two.   College was just a few months away though.   Coming to Richmond for a bit was a good break from work and I like the fact that I have a life outside of nursing.  I love nursing and it is my passion, but I think it’s important to have a life outside of the hospital.  That’s why I really admire people like Joanne Kim because she is a very talented musician and outside of nursing, pursuing her music is another aspect of her being that defines who she is.  I hope I can do that for myself as well.  I’m not good at making or singing music; but I like meeting people, talking with them, and learning to become a better, more open-minded person.  I think being friends with people who are completely different from me is a very big reward because I learn so much from them.  Friendships teach me a lot as well.  I hate arguing with people and being involved with arguments.  I always get scared when my friends and their siblings or my friends and their boyfriends fight while I am sitting in the same room.  It can get so ugly and scary.   But out of these little fights and battles, lessons are learned.  I learn a lot about my own selfish being and how I need to be more patient with my friends.  I learn not only to be a better friend, but also to be a better future girlfriend to my future boyfriend (wherever and whoever he may be).   Not to say that I think my friends who are dating are horrible girlfriend; oh no no!  But I just realize the depth of what goes into a relationship and what one has to have in order to be a great lover!  1 Corinthians 13 always gets me.  Such a simple, yet deep and thoughtful portrayal of what God’s love is and how we should follow by example.

Anyway, my blogs probably don’t make sense, but I just like to write what is on my mind because when I say things, they don’t always come out right.  Anyway…until next time

EDIT: OH mY JESUS.  I killed a baby fox on the way to Richmond last night and it was my first animal death experience.  It’s really sad.  But as Rhonda was praying for me, I could not help but think that God was kind of prepping me for future deaths in the ICU.  That many of these kids are sick and no matter what I do or will do, these children will pass away.  I don’t know how to interpret things, but yea…that’s my spin.  And I know that God is always in control and He is faithful and just.  Yea…okay!  Well that’s it folks.  Thanks for stopping by.